Transcending the closet
A community invisible to most of society

Coming out as a gay man or lesbian can be a difficult and frightening process, so just imagine telling your friends and family, your boss and your co-workers that you are not comfortable conforming to the gender rules that society has placed on you.

Coming out as a transgendered or transsexual is complicated, and every story is different. Misunderstood, mocked, shunned…the transgender community remains mostly invisible to the rest of society, and so little is really known about them.

Helma Seidl is a counselor with Making a Difference Counselling and Consultation and deals with a wide range of transgendered and transsexual issues. "They are not accepted," she says. "People fear them because they don't understand them. They are made to feel weird, that this is a choice, but it is not, and this kind of thinking has to stop."

"They are where gays and lesbians were in the 1960s," says Seidl. Transgender persons have always been with us, but continue to struggle to be recognized as an integral part of our landscape. They feel extreme isolation, stigma and oppression. They don't feel comfortable in social situations; they fear losing their jobs, their family, even their friends.

To make matters more difficult, the transgender community is so diverse that there are even social classes and prejudices within themselves, much like what gays and lesbians continue to face. "Our community is so fractured, it's not even funny," says Joanne Law of Gender Mosaic. "I'm not accepted by the transsexual community. I'm on hormone therapy and I live full time as a female, but yet I don't classify as a transsexual. I'm 'gender enhanced' and I enjoy this because I'm never going to forget my past. It's part of me and it's made me develop into who I am today."

For many, gender challenges begin at an early age. Ruth Dulmage, a social worker who has many transgender clients, tells of one such scenario. "It's not uncommon that I'll meet with someone who has been born a biological male, for example, and has been aware of the desire to wear women's clothes, maybe when they were in Grade One, Grade Two, or Grade Three. Maybe they started at an early age to dress up in their mother's or an older sister's clothes, but they are now dealing with this in their 30s, 40s and 50s. Some people talk about how they may have gone through 4 or 5 years where it's not even something they think about and bury it so deep inside that they just won't let it come out at all. Then all of the sudden they realize that they can't stop thinking about this."

Karen, a biological male who cross-dresses on occasion, is a case in point. "I would say I felt different in kindergarten, when I was about four or five. I knew there was something a little different; I didn't know what it was, I just knew I liked girl's clothes better than the guys. I didn't have any sisters, so there was no opportunity to find anything for myself clothes-wise, so as a child I kind of put it on the back burner and didn't put a lot of thought into it. I thought it would go away. Then in my teen years, I figured the feeling was getting stronger, and I felt, 'Well, if I get a girlfriend, it will take my mind off it and I won't think about it anymore.' Then I got married, and it was just getting stronger and stronger, and eventually I had to face up with it, and that was that."

But coming out, despite the struggle, is still worth it. Says Dulmage, "The process of coming out, as much as it is stressful and difficult, is also exciting and empowering. Each one of those baby steps you take is often so celebrated, like when you find that perfect wig or just feel good about what you look like. To talk about your feelings and not just be tolerated, but be respected and loved for whom you are. Each of these things can mean so much."

Harassment, social oppression, self-loathing, fear and isolation, are all issues common for both gays and transgenders. But as Law puts it, "Our communities are parallel in so many ways. I call it the 'Gaybourhood.' It's only the difference of gender identity versus sexual orientation that is the drawing line, but the lines blur very much."

- printed in Capital Xtra, Issue #99, Nov 9, 2001. Cover photo by Colin Seaman.